A query

I have a few questions for anyone with bipolar, experience in psychology, or honestly anyone who wants to answer. But before I ask it here is a little background on me: Male 20’s College Grad. I have what a psychologist says is bipolar, I’ve been dealing with it for some time now. Recently I have been very good. I am a masochist, that I didn’t know until recently, but it seems to directly play with my bipolar. More pain means more pleasure, but also drives me down in to dark, violent, and painful moods, which ultimately end up with my brain trying to compensate and bring back a balance resulting in depression. I’ve been practicing self-bondage since I was 12, just only back then it wasn’t exactly a sexual thing. I have had experience with bondage as a sub mostly, but I did do a brief scene as a top. For me bondage, the feeling of being controlled drives me to need to cause myself pain, for both sexual and mental pleasure, and thus brings me down once again. The feeling of being controlled, just does that to me. As I cannot stay in a cage for more than a little while unless I plan to go fully into that kind of deep dark mood, kinda like from the movie “apocalypse now” with martin sheen, he says, “when you get off the boat you have to go all the way”… Well if I don’t go all the way I end up sad and worthless. About a month and a half ago I quit it all, bondage, self-bondage, all of it. I did it because I felt like it was causing all of my problems. But the irony of it is that I cannot stay away from it, I find myself checking out the community forum without thinking about it, looking up bondage topics. I’m not gonna lie, I love it, and I don’t really want to leave it behind. So finally my question Does anyone have some of the same experience dealing with these things? How do you cope if you do? And do you think self-bondage will cause those feelings? Personally I think that it was just the feeling of being controlled, it turns me on, but for some reason I rebel against it so much when it comes down to it (god help me if I ever go to jail/ prison);) But I don’t think self-bondage would be the same. So I am asking all you wonderful and creative people for your opinions, and I thank you for it.