Closing a major life chapter while starting anew

I feel like today marks the close of a major chapter in my life. Let me give some context so everyone is on the same page. Roughly eighteen months ago, I started dating someone and genuinely felt love at first sight. She holds a huge spot in my heart—I love her, though not exactly as I did before. Even with limited time together, we had something solid that I truly believed in.

Last spring brought some tough times with my bipolar disorder, and our relationship fell apart poorly; it nearly cost me my life. One night, I almost ended it all out in the woods. Amidst that turmoil, though, a shift occurred within me. Honestly, I stopped caring entirely about what others thought or did. I was free, yet not quite. I turned to heavy drug use for an entire summer, staying sober only on a few days. It was enjoyable, letting off all the pressure I’d built up.

Near the end of that period, I met someone new. The connection felt close but different from before. We shared two months that were both romantic and kinky, aware it wouldn’t last forever so we made the most of it. When she had to move away, we spent one final night together in closeness, saying goodbye.

Yet, even then, I knew I still truly loved her. This past December, we reunited, and everything seemed perfect for a while. Recently, though, tensions have risen until suddenly there was a breaking point: she fled to Kentucky to escape it all. When I asked why, she said ‘everything,’ suggesting she might stay gone permanently. She gave up college, family, and me.

Now unsure of her path, when I pressed her on giving everything up so easily, she admitted uncertainty, stating she just wants to handle herself. She’s crumbling—I recognize the signs because I’ve been there—but she keeps people at arm’s length.

Today, mere minutes ago, I realized for myself that she isn’t right for me. Everything else is settled; it’s just us left. If we don’t resolve this or if I let her go, I fear following the same downward spiral as last year.

So yes, this feels like an ending to a chapter of my life—one I wish had unfolded differently. I thought she was ‘the one,’ and perhaps I still do (or want to believe it). But that time has passed, allowing me to start the next phase. Hopefully it goes better, though I’m unsure how the military aspect will play out.